if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
