i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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