I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
