I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
