I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
