i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
