Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's blow job season.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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