I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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