Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
