she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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