blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
