look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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