you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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