Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
