but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
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I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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