Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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