have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
