Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
