I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
