fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
