I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
