The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
