Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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