Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
