Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
