i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
