im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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