Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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