Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
