I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
