so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
