i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
