if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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