i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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