I met the friendliest cop last night
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
