I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
