it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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