My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
