I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
