Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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