My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
