I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
