So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
