After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
