I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
