so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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