Moan for me like Helen Keller
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
