capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
