You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
