Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
