I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
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I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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