Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
