After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
