Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
