I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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