What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
