My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
false alarm. still invincible.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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