She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Randomize
