I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
