How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.