you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
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If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
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Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea