did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
