just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
