Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
