and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh