So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Randomize
