I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
